I started writing this entry last Monday, and then something happened that knocked me down. I attempted to come back to it, and even almost finishing it two other times… but again, knocked down by something else. Now, here I am on Sunday fully intending to publish, and bam…rug yanked out from under me again. I finally just said screw it, because apparently someone is trying to tell me I need to get over it, start with a blank sheet and write again.
This yo-yo, puppet string game of good news, bad news can pretty much sum up the last year for me. I’m starting to wonder if it’s always been this way, and the change that’s going on within me has somehow made me more awaret…or if it’s something else. Before I say what I’m about to, I want to preface it with this: If you know me you know I am a believer of God, and believe Jesus Christ is my savior, but I am not what I would call an active, Christian, like I know I should be. For no reasons other than priority. I find comfort and strength in prayer, even though I do not pray regularly, and haven’t been to church in probably 2 years.
As I sit here and cry about the latest thing to punch me in the gut that I did not see coming… I know that I am intentionally being put through a self-revolution. I don’t know or believe in any other higher power than Him so, NOTHING else makes sense other than that. One part of me feels like the things I’ve been through in the last year are so small in comparison to other tribulations I see others going through. As I say that I can hear some of the smartest women I know in my ear saying “don’t compare yourself to others, or your situation to someone else’s because everyone has their own hard, their own triumph, their own journey.” This is so very true. The truth is I haven’t been diagnosed with cancer, grieved the loss of a loved one, and as I sit here and write this, literally, I went from feeling knocked down and devastated to fortunate. Yep, you just saw me change my thoughts, as if it were a live video and me on the screen talking through this with myself.… only right here in my blog. This is what I mean by being put through a self-revolution. I’m not being tested, this isn’t a test of my strength, faith, character,or patience… I have felt extremely tested before, but this does not feel that way. I can physically and emotionally feel an internal battle and change inside of me. I don’t know the reason why, but the truth is I’ve never felt it before.
When I started writing this blog last week, it was about a self-revolution, but I was writing as if the self-revolution was the result of the things I had been through and overcoming them. That was wrong, and probably why I couldn’t write or kept being interuppted. It wasn’t until as I was writing this just now, that I realized I wasn’t the one creating this revolution within me. The impatient person in me has grown frustrated with not being able to see the reason… because I just want to know why. The controlling person in me, at the present moment has a few why theories. The disbelieving person in me doesn’t want to say out loud what those theories are; because the cautious person in me is somewhat fearful that I could be right.
It wasn’t until just right now, in this moment, I realized how much I’ve gained during this self-revolution I’m intentionally being put through.
- I have never been closer to my family, and I have never had more appreciation for them. I’ve never seen or talked to my Parents, and Grandparents more, my siblings also.
- My sister and I have grown so close, that when we don’t talk I miss her, and I can’t wait to see her. I never even really thought it would be possible for us to be this close, but now that we are it’s amazing.
- I have reconnected with friends that I haven’t spoken to in years. I am closer than I have ever been to one of my dearest friends from childhood… who I use to maybe talk to every 6-9 months. She is one of the most positive influences that I am greatful for.
- I have never felt more blessed, lucky and appreciative of my husband. He is so patient, and honestly… no one knows me better than him.
- I have been blessed in a dozen ways I didn’t know was possible with Young Living: never having been more in touch with myself physically, emotionally, and mentally. Being a part of a community of encouraging and inspiring women and families… and even some new friends. But nothing compares to the genuine heart full joy I’ve found in helping people… people I care about. Especially when I get a call or message from those people, thanking me and full of excitement.
- I’ve had some of my dearest friends tell me that I’m different, “new”, “happier”, “engaged”, “living vs going through the motions”… call it whatever, it’s amazing and I’m humbled by it.
- Someone that was once an acquaintance in our life, has now become a friend and has truly softened my heart about our fertility situation, and given me strength to overcome fear of all the things I was scared of before.
- Of course, I am proud of myself… losing 17lbs while being 85 days smoke free, which is almost an oxy moron and pretty freaking awesome.
Perspective is an amazing thing. I started 2019 was the year of all years… and that’s exactly what it’s turning out to be. Despite the tears I was crying this morning, the gut punches I had in the past, and the ones that await me in the future.